The Revenge of Lavender Brown and other stuff
by plasticspork
Summary: Soap Opera inspired, HP-LL-GW love triangle, HG-RW-DM love triangle, Fawkes is angry at Dumbledore who is in touch with Voldemort, and Lavender has gone Completely insaine and wants to kill Hermione! Twisting plot, an exciting read, I promise! RR
1. La Chapter 1 De La Mort

Disclaimer: Pretty much all the (well, yes all) characters in this story belong to JK Rowling, blah, blah, blah. And I'd just like to say that this crazy rendition was inspired by: The OC, Days of Our Lives, Lord of The Rings (i.e. Lavender!), Gossip Girls, my own crazy fantasies about Tom Felton, and my bizarre imagination enjoy!  
  
Sightings: HP and RW walking to potion's class. HG running late to class? Well that's unusual. DM seen lurking behind a suit of armor after Care of Magical Creatures, hasn't been seen since. AD writing a letter in his office. GW flipping through a copy of Witch Weekly in the Gryfindor common room, reading an article called "Eight Sexy ways to spice up your dull relationship." Now let's see what our Magical friends are up to shall we?  
  
"What do you mean you just saw Lavender?" Harry gave Ron a raised eyebrow. Was Ron losing it?  
"But Ron, Madame Pomfrey just announced this morning that she died yesterday in the Hospital Wing."  
"Don't be thick Harry I was there, I heard what Madame Pomfrey said! It's just I thought... one minute she was there... then she was just gone." He IS losing it then. Harry inched away from Ron. "Oh come on Harry! I can't explain it either it's weird you know, I guess thinking about her has messed with my brain a bit... it was just such a shock you know." Harry gave a heavy sigh and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Yeah I know what you mean mate, it must have been really hard for you, you don't suppose she was really pregnant though was she?" Ron stiffened.  
"Err no, she couldn't have been, I mean Madame Pomfrey would have said something although she didn't even say HOW she died, but anyway there is just no way she could have. We did use a spell to make sure that wouldn't happen. "   
"Well, I'm really sorry man, I wish there were something I could do." Although Ron was depressed that his girl friend had passed away, he couldn't help but feel relieved. She had recently developing strange habits. Ron drummed his fingers thoughtfully as he recalled several nights ago, he had waken up early in the morning to find Lavender going through his trunk. She had claimed that she was looking for something of hers that she thought she had left over, but Ron didn't buy it. As messy as he tended to keep his things he would have noticed something pink and frilly almost immediately. Come think of it they had began to grow apart. And she was really jealous of Hermione... even before she and Ron... No way! Ron thought, She was way suspicious before that happened, the other night was just a fluke. The thought of it made Ron feel both really happy, and really guilty. But did he dare tell Harry? Would Harry even understand? It was taking a risk but he had to tell him, who could understand better than Harry, they were best friends.  
"Harry, look man, I have something I have to confess, and I'm not proud of it, but I need to get it off my chest."  
"What is it Ron?"   
"Last night I was visiting Lavender in the hospital wing, you know after she was 'injured.' She was acting really strange, asking me all these questions about where I had been during lunch, if I'd been hanging out with Hermione, and I finally told her, I said, 'Look Lavender, you've been acting really strange lately, and I don't understand you anymore. I just need some time apart alright?' and Harry, she got really funny."  
"Well that's great that you finally told her,"  
"Listen Harry, I'm not done. After that I left the hospital wing and literally ran strait into Hermione...   
  
"Oops, sorry I didn't- Oh Ron! I'm so glad it's you I thought it might be, oh never mind."   
"Are you alright? You seem a little..." Hermione looked up at him; her eyes were watering slightly and her face looked forlorn. "Hey what's wrong with you?" This was just too much for Hermione; it really wasn't so bad until Ron said it out load. She couldn't help it; a few tears escaped her watering eyes and rolled down her cheeks onto her slightly ruffled black robes. "I'm sorry, it's just Malfoy...he...he" A few more tears. Ron pulled her into a tight embrace and Hermione buried her face into his robes and sobbed. "Forget Malfoy, he's just a git," He rocked her back and forth as if cradling a baby. "What ever he said to you-"  
"Oh it's not that, it's just..." She let out a great shuddering sigh. "...So complicated really, oh but it doesn't matter." She looked up at him, her eyes were puffy by now and her eyes were sparkling. "Ronald, You're a really great friend, and I'm...I'm sorry that I've been avoiding you lately- What are you smiling about?"   
" It's-It's nothing really just, well you called me Ronald"   
"And?"  
"Well, it's just I've never been called 'Ronald' bye anyone but Mum, when she's really angry at me." "Oh, I'm sorry-"  
"No! No, I..." The gaze she had on him seemed to draw him closer to her, "...I..." Was she always this beautiful? Her tears seemed to accent her eyelashes. "I sort of like it...when you say it." She blinked and smiled not the smile of the little girl he had once made cry, or the smile of a bushy-haired know-it-all he used to loathe. But the smile of someone he could trust, someone who he knew would always be there for him, the smile of a beautiful woman who's every word made the tips of his fingers tingle.  
"Hermione, I think...I think I love you...in fact, I always have-" She ended his thought process quickly as she leaned forward and kissed him...   
"You did what in a broom closet with Hermione?"  
"SHH! Not so bloody load Harry!" "That sort of reminds me of my first date with Ginny..."  
"Shut the bloody hell up! That's something I REALLY don't want to hear about!"   
"Sorry mate, Forgot. I can't believe it though! I mean Hermione and you!"   
"Yeah who would have th-"  
"I knew it! I knew it all along, it was soooooo obvious."   
"Oh shut up Harry, we had better get to potions."   
  
That dirty stupid whore! Putting her in pure hands on my Ronykins! I'll make that bitch pay...  
Though it would appear that the steps leading down to the dungeons were empty except a few wads of paper and a forgotten quill, Lavender Brown was rocking as she sat on the steps concealed by and invisibility cloak. She was shaking with anger.  
Faking a Pregnancy didn't seem to work, but maybe just maybe faking DEATH will. Now I must play this out very carefully, I knew Rony was sneaking around, well we'll see who he loves more when we reveal the truth about that stupid Muggle bitch...   
"Cloaky hasn't let me down before, he's the only one I love more than my Ronny-Bonny, you love me too don't you Cloaky?" She stroked the fibers of the Invisibility Cloak, and made purring noises.   
We'll hang low for a bit, watch what Ronnie does without me... then we'll strike, Hermione Granger Wont stand a chance, she'll be dead...  
"And then Roonie-Boo will be all mine!" She bellowed maniacally at the precious moment that the Fat Friar came floating up the steps. He stopped dead, and tossed a wildly paranoid look over his shoulder. There was silence, then a quite fit of laughter. He shook himself but the laughter did not cease, so he glided away quickly, after reaching the conclusion that he was finally going mad. And he wasn't the only one!  
  
Albus Dumbledore paced his office for what was probably the millionth time that day. Never in his long, eventful life had he ever had to deal with something like this. He stopped ran his sparkling blue eyes over the many portraits of the sleeping former head masters and mistresses that covered the walls of his office. He grunted out load causing a pointed nosed witch to twitch and turn over. "Gone evil they have, the whole lot of them, them toilet seats!" He muttered before returning to his silent snores. Dumbledore sat down again in his desk and stared at the piece of parchment before him. Written in his own narrow writing:   
Tom,  
I have to admit I was most surprised by your letter, we hadn't spoken since you tried to kill Harry. I guess it was most unkind of me to discontinue my letters. As you can probably guess, I assumed that by trying to kill one of my most precious students, things would get a little awkward between us. I am sorry. Your letter was very kind and I have agreed. Shall we never again let our differences get in the way of our friendship. Keep me informed on your current health.   
Yours truly,   
Albus   
Yes that would have to do, after all he couldn't break up with him over a letter, it would be to unfair. He knew that their friendship couldn't possibly last as long as Tom kept insisting on trying to kill Harry, but this letter would do for now, the time would come when he would have to come clean, and tell his friend the truth, but that time was not now. He folded up the letter and wrote clearly:   
Tom Riddle a.k.a. Voldemort   
on the outside and handed the letter to a brown barn owl and tied the letter to it's leg. He watched the owl soar into the distance, then turned to find an angry Pheonix perched on his desk. It was puffing up its feathers, it's eyes narrowed. "Yes Fawkes, I know you disapprove of my friendship with Lord Voldemort, but it's my life! Not yours!" He had tried to stay calm but he couldn't contain his rage. Fawkes flapped his wings vigorously causing a strong breeze that blew papers around the office. He then tossed up his scarlet head in the air. And flew onto his perch, his back to Dumbledore. Dumbledore sighed and walked over to the Pheonix.   
"I'm sorry, it's just sometimes, you tend to live through me at times, and I know you want what's best for me, but your going to have to let me figure this one out on my own. So are we cool now?" Fawkes pooped on Dumbledore's shoe, then took flight through the open window without looking back. I guess that means his still mad then.   
  
Slowed down by the weight of about twenty books while trying to practically sprint up the stairs, and already five minutes late to class, Hermione Granger was ready to pass out. She stopped briefly at the top of the stairs, panting she looked at her watch. "Oh no! I'm supposed to be in Potions!" She turned around and looked back down the stairs, sighed, and started back down the stairs. About four steps from the bottom a heavy copy of 100 Magical Herbs and Fungi slipped out of her sweaty hands and landed with a thud on her foot. She whimpered and hopped on the other foot, allowing the rest of the books in her arms to go tumbling down the stairs.   
"Grrr! Why even bother" she yelled at the empty staircase. She sat down on a stair and put her chin on her knees. She stared down at the book in front of her. An Advanced Guide to Complex Transfiguration was lying upside down and open, it's pages bent from the odd position. As she began to wonder what McGonagal would say if she heard that Hermione had skipped class, the book in front of her began to levitate, as if some invisible hand had grasped the binding and lifted it into the air. "Hey! Come back" She made a grab for it but it zoomed just out of her reach. She got up, and jumped the length of the stairs but the book just floated inches out of her reach. Then is zoomed out around the corner and down the hallway. Hermione looked back at the mess of scattered books and parchment lying sprawled out over the stairs, and turned her head just in time to see her book dart completely out of sight. "I can always get those later" she muttered to herself. At this she sprinted down the empty hall after her Transfiguration book. When she rounded the corner to the next hallway, she found this deserted too except for an open door, she peaked in to find a dark, empty classroom and saw her book levitating in the center of the room. She crept in silently ready to grab her book, but as she extended her hand there was a loud CRACK and the book suddenly burst into a brilliant purple flame. She screamed and covered her face with her arms. Silence followed and she lowered her arms from her face. Floating in mid air where her book had once been, a blood red rose. Smoke was emitting from between the petals. "It's beautiful." She said. As she said this a cool drawling voice answered from the darkness.   
"I spent a month figuring out how to do that, I'm glad that you appreciate it." Hermione held her breath and squinted in the darkness. But just then two pale hands closed on her waist. "Draco."   
"Shh... Quiet my love," She giggled.   
"Listen I really need to get to class." He turned her around to face him, she just couldn't resist his sharp features, and the way his mouth turned up at the ends when he smirked.  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that" he smiled, she loved that mysterious smile "Why did you leave yesterday?" She tore her eyes away from him and stepped back. "This can never work Draco-"  
"Why not?"  
"You're father-"  
"Is not me, I am my own person Hermione,"  
"But you're-"  
"In love with you"  
"Draco be reasonable, I'm a M-" He stepped closer to her so that they were only inches apart. She felt his warm breath on her face. He put her hand in his. They laced their fingers together. "You are a beautiful woman," he kissed her "that I love, and that is all that matters" She pulled away from him again,   
"Draco look, you can't keep doing this I-I..." she took a deep breath, and said firmly,   
"I love Ron." Draco was silent for a moment, then laughed,  
"Weasly?"  
"I'm serious, we care for each other,"  
"But I care for you don't I? This doesn't have anything to do with the whole 'mudblood' tosh does it? As I've explained before, I was stupid then, trying desperately to make my father proud...even when it hurt a beautiful witch that I loved."  
"No, no I understand it's just, the wounds run deep, and your family-"  
"FORGET MY FAMILY HERMIONE! Forget them, this is about me and you and nothing-" "Please!" There were tears in Hermione's eyes now, "Please Draco, don't make this harder than it has to be, I love Ron, and he loves me. I can't change how I feel."  
"You know I only want what will make you happy..."  
"And right now, what's best for me is being with Ron," Draco looked if he could even cry, his head was drooping, he avoided Hermione's gaze. After what seemed like an eternity of silence he spoke, "So then this is where your heart truly lies?"  
"For the present."  
"Very well, but I want you to keep this." He placed in her hand a small black box. It was made out of a velvety material, and engraved in silver on the top of the box were the words:  
Pour Jamais.  
"It's French" he said "it means-"  
"Forever" she finished his sentence, "but I don't understand, what-"  
"Open it." She did. Inside what a silver ring with a large heart shaped diamond. "Oh Draco, it's beautiful, but I couldn't..."  
"You must, if you ever change your mind, about loving me, all you need to do it put on this ring, and, I will know." He put his hand out revealing a silver band around his ring finger, it had engravings in it but Hermione couldn't make out what they said. "When you put your Ring on, the engravings in my ring will turn gold. And I will keep this ring on...forever. See you around then... my love." And with that he left Hermione in the dark classroom.  
Alone.  
  
Hey! I really wanted to keep going but the thing is bloody long enough as it is, so you'll have to wait until I update, then we can find out what Ginny, Seamus, Neville, Crabbe and Goyle, Luna, and all the rest are up to, but I won't update until I have at least a few reviews so GET REVIEWING!!!!! ...Please! 


	2. La Chapter 2 De La Mort

Disclaimer: all the characters in this story (as I said before) I "borrowed" from dearest JK Rowling becuz I am not creative enough to come up w/ my own characters! So yeah, they belong to her... not me.  
  
A/N: Wow, I got this one done quickly didn't I? Well do please enjoy it much! Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, Lavender Brown in my story is across from Gollum from Lord Of the Rings and Jan from Days of our lives.  
  
Sightings: RW and HP sitting through a dreadfully long Double Potions...ouch. LB hiding away in a secret storage room that conveniently no one else knows about. LL in the library finding catching up on the latest stories from "The Quibbler." HG actually is ditching class! F, our favorite Pheonix having a deep intellectual conversation (in bird language I suppose) with H, our favorite owl. DM is very fused and is wandering about the castle; meanwhile VC and GG are left rooted on the spot in the Slytherin Common room. DU (uh oh) pacing just outside the Forbidden Forrest. NL timidly approaching the Green Houses with a bouquet of funny looking flowers.  
  
----   
'Forget about Granger, forget about Hermione... dear god this is impossible...'   
Draco Malfoy scuffed his shoe on the stone floor. He let his feet carry him through the empty hallways, not looking were he was going.   
He couldn't believe it, he had just been rejected... after doing the single most romantic thing of his life, the months of planning, the sleepless nights, and what does she do... she fucking turns him down!   
'Don't lose all hope though, she still has the ring... Weaslbey can't last long, he has about as much romantic appeal as a flobberworm... my day will come.'   
He let out a heavy sigh and looked down at his silver ring, it seemed so dull, featureless... lonely without the shining gold wording. He looked up and found that he was already at the bare stone wall that hid the Slytherin common room.   
  
"Pure-blood" he murmured and the stone wall lifted to reveal a passageway. As he stepped into the common room, he was surprised (not!) to see the none other than Crabbe and Goyle pacing the room. Malfoy rolled his eyes and groaned obviously.   
"Aren't you two supposed to be in class right now?"   
"But, but, we couldn't find you." Crabbe grunted. Meanwhile Goyle was distracted with trying to swat a fly that was buzzing around his face.   
  
"You know, you really could have gone to class anyway, it might seem a bit obvious with myself AND YOU TWO IDIOTS missing from class." Crabbe who was obviously the smarter of the two as he was doing most of the talking squirmed and looked around nervously.   
"But what would we do in class if you weren't there? Right Goyle?" He nudged Goyle who had deserted his attempts I trying to swat the fly and was now whooping at an "attractive" third year girl ("Leave me the hell alone before I curse your hairy ass!")  
  
Malfoy had apparently lost it, "My fucking god! GET A FUCKING CLUE! How you even got into this school is beyond me, I'm sick of you two! I don't NEED you to follow me around constantly, unlike you I know how to curse people, I can defend myself perfectly well. You are NOT my friends, you are NOT my 'cronies,' in fact YOU SUCK!"   
He took a breath. Crabbe and Goyle both stared at him blankly. "You know what?" He said his eyes narrowing with dislike,   
"Get A LIFE! Get a brain! You two can split it, you'll both be TWICE as smart as you are now!"   
He took another deep breath. Goyle had resurrected the task of trying to swat the fly and Crabbe was picking at a scab on his arm.   
"Okay, forget what I said about trying to get a life, it's hopeless, hey you guys, just do what will make everyone happy. Go find some rope, make a noose, take it out to the tallest tree you can find, and hang yourselves." With that he turned on his heel and stalked out.   
"Gotcha' sucker!" said Goyle triumphantly as he squished the fly between his fingers.  
  
--------------  
Meanwhile Hermione Granger was just climbing through the portrait whole into the Gryffindor Common Room (as she had to go pick up all her scattered books and papers). She was half way across the room when a voice said, "Hermione, wow I never thought I'd see the day when it would be you ditching class." she jumped and for the second time that day, her books and papers went flying everywhere.   
She turned to see Ginny Weasley, sitting sideways in a bit squashy armchair holding a magazine.   
"Ginny Weasley! What are you doing out of class? I'd have expected this from Fred and George or even Ron but not you!"   
"Hey, lay off alright you sound like my mother," Hermione opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it, that was the second time in two days she had been compared to Mrs. Weasley.   
"Besides, in case you haven't noticed you are out of class too Hermione."   
"Yes but I have a excuse, a poor one, but still an excuse." After scooping up her now, very battered belongings, she sat down in an armchair next to Ginny.  
"So do I." Said Ginny looking back down at her magazine. Hermione leaned over to see what Ginny's shoulder,   
"'Eight Sexy ways to spice up you Dull Relationship?' What's wrong with you and Harry?" Ginny sighed and slapped the magazine shut, then tossed it on the floor.   
"He's boring," she said flatly "He used to do romantic things for me, but it's like now, he just sees me as one of his guy friends, which is good... to a point but I'm his girlfriend, I should be treated like one!" Her tone had turned from conversational to pure dislike. "And what's more, is now all he ever really asks me about is LUNA! Luna this, and Luna that, 'Did you know Luna can see thestrals?' 'Luna knows what I've been through' oh and don't forget 'do you hang out with Luna often?' my god, ENOUGH ABOUT BLOODY LUNA!"   
She was now breathing heavily.   
"Well remember about what I told you last night? About Malfoy... then your brother?"   
"Yeah, Yeah, you are a loose whore, go on"   
"Ginny!"   
"My god woman, it was a joke. But really go on..."   
Hermione explained in great detail as to what had happened earlier, Ginny hanging on her every word. By the time she had finished other students were already starting to climb through the portrait hole.   
"Wow," Ginny said, she had a dreamy look about her face,   
"And you threw it all away for ...Ron!? Now I could understand one of my older brothers but... wow Hermione, that's either the sweetest thing I've ever heard, or-"   
"The biggest mistake I've ever made? Don't remind me."  
  
-----------------------   
"So have you seen Hermione since last night?" Asked Harry as he and Ron made their way up the stairs leading to the Portrait of the Fat Lady.   
"Well, no... You don't suppose she'll... you' know, act like nothing's happened between us?"   
"Nah, I don't thinks so, but I bet things might be a little awkward at first especially since it's-"   
Harry snorted with laughter,   
"YOU AND HERMIONE!"   
"Hey, yesterday you were congratulating me!"   
"I was in a state of shock mate, I didn't know how to react, now its just damn funny! 'Pigsnout'."   
A very tipsy fat lady swayed in her portrait. "You wannna' comein doya? Eh? Eh?"   
She laughed, her fat hand clutching an empty bottle of brandy,   
"Well I ain't gonna letcha' 'cause-"   
But at that moment the portrait cam swinging open and two first years stepped out. Harry and Ron seized the opportunity and darted in, followed by the Fat Lady's drunken shouts ("Heya boy! Comeback here! I otta' teachya some respect-"). As Ron stepped in there was a squeal and he saw the moving form of Hermione coming at him at full speed.   
"Hey Hermione where-"   
but that's as far as he got, because Hermione swung her arms around his neck and began to snog him savagely, and they both dropped to the floor where the continued to kiss and make moaning noises, blocking the entrance.   
  
Harry stepped over them and seemed unconcerned with the fact that his two best friends were doing-er..."things" (nothing too bad mind you) on the floor. He squeezed himself in next to Ginny (in the same chair), and gave her a peck before turning to read a bright orange notice that he had pulled off the wall.   
"What's that?"   
Ginny moved her head under his chin as to read better.   
"The date for Lavender's funeral"   
"Oh, how sad"  
"Yeah... sad, so what have you been up to today?"  
"Oh, nothing really, I read some mag-...um, I did homework and stuff,"  
"Oh great" said Harry now pulling things out of his pocket.   
"Harry? You are listening to me right?"   
"Uh-huh, go on." He was now reading a note that he had found in his pocket.   
  
"So after that, I gave some Slytherin guys a blow-job, and went hunting in the Forbidden Forrest naked,"   
She said looking at up Harry.   
"Cool."   
She raised her eyebrow.   
"I talked to Luna today."   
Harry immediately stopped reading the note and looked up at her eagerly.   
"Really about what? Did she mention me at all? Just wondering- GINNY! Hey what's wrong?"   
But Ginny was already through the portrait hole ("Get back 'ere girl, an' give yo' mamma' a kissy!") and down the stairs. Hermione pushed Ron off her.  
"What did you say Harry?"   
"I asked what she and Luna talked about! What's so bad about that?"   
Harry asked innocently. Ron propped himself up on his elbows, lipstick all over his mouth, and his robes sliding off his shoulder. He laughed.   
"Harry you idiot."   
  
-------------------   
"Sweet Cloaky...MY CLOAKY!" Once again Lavender Brown was talking-yes that's right, talking to her invisibility cloak. However this time she was hiding away safely in secret room near the divination tower, it was quite convenient that she had just stumbled upon it, especially since no one else knew it was there. "Oh Cloaky, you are my best friend."   
She said stroking the watery fabric.  
  
"What's that Cloaky?" She held the cloak up to her ear as if expecting it to speak to her, it didn't. But none the less she answered it,   
"Why thank you! I love you too."   
Then she kissed it. "Now... TO deal with Granger,"   
a sick evil smile besmirched her already crazy looking face.   
She looked at the utensils before her, things she had found and or stolen around the castle:   
  
a knife, some rope, some cloth, a used tissue, a cheese grater, a gum wrapper, a screw and wand. Oh wait, that was her wand, so I guess she didn't steal it...ok never mind, then.   
  
She looked down upon all of the items and cackled.   
"You just wait Cloaky, you wait until my funeral... THEN we will strike, Hermione will be dead, Ronnie-kins will be under our control, and then, we will live together forever! FOREVER!!! F-O-E-V-E-R What's that spell?!?! FOREVER! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"   
eeh...creepy  
  
. ----------------   
It was a few hours before Ginny returned to the Common Room, and by then everyone had already gone to bed, which by the way was fine with her... although it was a bit lonely. In the end she decided to go up the girls dormitories and try to fall asleep. She knew that in the morning Hermione would want to know all about what kept he so late, but telling her the truth was risky, she wasn't sure how Hermione would take it. In truth, Ginny had found none other than Draco Malfoy sitting by the Lake.  
  
She hadn't expected him to be nice to her, but she didn't care, she sat down next to him, and they got to talking... he was actually TALKING to her. But overall the worst and at yet, best thing that had happened, was when she leaned over and kissed him. It had been a wonderful feeling, he had smelled so good, and all too soon he had pulled away from her.   
He told her it wasn't right, that he had someone else on his mind.   
There was no doubt in Ginny's mind who that "someone" was.   
But things were a bit awkward after that, so that's when she went for a walk, and eventually, come back to the Common Room.   
  
"Stupid Harry," she muttered as she was pulling up her dark blue PJ bottoms,   
"Stupid Luna."   
She yawned as she pulled up her covers around her neck, and in really no time at all, she was asleep.  
  
Hermione however had not so easily fallen asleep, she lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. She had heard Ginny come in but she did not feel like now was the time to ask her questions, besides she wouldn't want to wake dear Parvati who had complained about "needing her sleep".   
  
So she said nothing, and instead just stared up at the ceiling, twirling the ring in her fingers. She wondered if Malfoy really was going to wait forever, she knew though it WAS nice, her relationship with Ron wouldn't last forever.  
'That's a terrible thing to say!' She thought  
'I love Ron.'  
'And Draco'  
No, she mustn't think that, she had made her choice, it was Ron...   
then why did she still looking forward to the day she could finally put on that ring?   
Why did she day dream about Draco constantly?   
She loved him; there was no denying it.   
'So by the looks of things, you haven't REALLY decided yet.' She thought to herself.  
  
As she lay there thinking, quite suddenly she heard a noise, she listened, on the stairwell leading up to the dormitories, there was definitely a sound of something...sliding? She hurried out of the room and squinted in the darkness. The stairs were no longer there; instead, there was a smooth marble slide. She smiled; there was a sudden 'thud', a groan, and then a voice,   
"Awa, bloody hell."   
Hermione carefully and quietly sat down at the top of the slide and. When she was seated comfortably, she pushed off with her hands, and she was sliding herself down the stairs and then-   
"OOOW!"   
"Shh! You're going to wake everyone up!"   
"Hermione is that you?"   
"No, it's Ron, it's Neville I just got a sex change."   
"Hermione, it's not funny, you elbowed me in the ribs!"   
"Sorry"   
"Then get off of me!"  
Laughing Hermione rolled over, freeing Ron. Ron slowly sat up rubbing his head.   
"Bloody stairs" he said,   
"Here, I was going to bring you this."   
He held out a rose, with soft white petals.  
"Oh Ronald! That's so sweet of you, it's beautiful."   
"Yep, since we were working on it in Transfiguration, I well, transfigured this for you out of one of my old socks."  
"Thank you Ron it- umm... it still smells a bit like socks."   
"Oh... sorry, I'll just fix that for you-"  
He started pulling out his wand.   
"No! I mean, it's really alright, I really should be getting to bed now."   
She had just remembered the other rose she had recieved that day. "Thank you so much Ron," she pecked him on the cheek   
"Goodnight."   
"Goodnight Her-"   
but she was already halfway up the reformed stairs.  
  
As she was going up the stairs she couldn't help but think that if Ron could do the rose trick for her, it wasn't as special as when Draco did it.  
  
"That doesn't even make sense!" she muttered to herself. When she reached her bed, she pulled out the red rose that Draco had made for her earlier. She had completely forgotten that it was one of her books that she would in fact need to use tomorrow. She pulled out her wand and said clearly,   
"Revestile Transonium"   
But instead of simply changing back into the book, the rose burst into red flame that illuminated the whole room. The fire whirled around so that words formed out of the fire in midair:   
  
"I LOVE YOU HERMIONE GRANGER"  
  
Then without warning the words whirled together again and the fire was gone in a wisp of smoke, leaving her transfiguration book. The book hovered for a few seconds then fell with a thud on the floor, leaving a completely shocked Hermione still holding her wand out.   
"Mum! Quick get you knickers on the house is on fire."  
Said Parvati sleepily as she rolled over in her bed.  
  
Damn why was this so difficult?   
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------  
  
Questions: -What will become of VC and GG now that DM has ditched them? -Will HP and GW last? -When will the psychotic LB strike with her evil plan involving a gum wrapper and a cheese grater? -Will GW go and stab both HG AND HP in the back and start something with DM? -Who will HG choose DM or RW? (better yet, who SHOULD she choose? PLEASE tell me what you think!) -What about NL in front of the Greenhouse?!? -Will AD finally come clean with TR (aka LV)  
  
A/N: Sorry that it was soooooo long and not that much really happened, this one's not as romantic OR as funny in my opinion, but I'd rather hear what you all (my dearest readers) have to say. OH and thank you for my 2 glorious reviews!!  
  
nychick8990: I just can't believe you notice that! Well, It just shows what a nerd I AM for putting the line in! I hope this one is a little easier to read for you. Thanks for the review!  
  
KelQueenscove: or should I say KATIE JONES! Ha ha, yes I know you think he is yours... but I'm sure you would treat Ton Riddle much better than that old bastard Dumbledore so don't worry about it.  
  
Pinkandgreenflamingo: Yeah, thanks a lot for your crappy "review" you know what? Don't ever ask for my help because flat out, I just don't like you! Hee hee Just kidding, hope you'll at least read the story tho! 


	3. La Chapter 3 De La Mort

Disclaimer: None mine, all borrowed except for my beauteous plot and the centaurs.  
  
Sightings: NL and HP waiting in front of the Greenhouse, waiting each for their lovely Ladies. AD making plans for LB's public Funeral; seen shouting at the nurse who simply stood there and looked at his stupidly. HG late to class again as she was looking desperately for some kind of necklace that she just couldn't leave with out. GW feeling guilty, and naughty, and has simmered down a bit and is now on speaking terms with HP. LB living off things she finds on the ground and stalking RW as usual. DM has a new group of friends and has no need for GG and VC. Needless to say VC and GG are both heartbroken and confused.  
  
Dolores Umbridge paced in front of the Forbidden Forest thinking hard. There was a great roar from deep within the depths of the forest. She turned to face the forest, her pudgy fingers over her heart.   
"Oh my love, How I long to be with you again." She cried.   
'I cannot bear the distance and longer!'   
She took a deep breath, pulled out her wand, and tossed it aside. I cannot keep it; it is will only make things worse. She took one more deep breath, clenched her fat fists, and stepped into the dark of the forest.  
  
It seemed like she'd been walking for hours and she was still far from her destination. Perhaps it was the fact that she kept getting stuck when the path got too narrow, but whatever the reason, she never wavered in her task. She only stopped for breath when she was sure she was at least halfway to the heart of the forest. (Well, actually, she stopped and practically fell over every two hundred yards, but that's not what's important). She lay sprawled out in the dirt listening to the sounds of the forest.  
  
Two centaurs passed by, one, a male, had a German accent and a mustache. The other, a female, had white hair, but neither seemed to notice a large, hog-sized woman lying motionlessly on the ground as they were too enthralled in their own conversations ("Oh Kielana my little colt, come, let us make beautiful Centaur love!" "AS YOU wish my horsy companion") She groaned, a long growling roar...roar? The trees above trembled, one even flew out of the ground!  
  
"Grawpy?" She stood up and looked eagerly in the direction of the uprooted tree. There was a thundering crash and then, through the darkness, barely visible from behind the many trees, was a great fleshy foot.  
  
"Oh Grawpy! You remembered my weakness when it comes to physical activity and met me half way! How sweet!" By now, the big round head of the giant had peeked through a gap in the trees. He looked around, squinting with his beady eyes. When he finally noticed her, a goofy smile came over his face, and he blushed.   
"Burrg!!" He said shyly.   
"Yes sweetheart, I even threw away my wand, to be with you, everyday...forever."  
With that she ran up to his big dirty leg and kissed it.   
"Me wuv Piggy!"  
And with that he picked her with one hand. "I've been lonely." She whispered, Grawp snorted, which when it comes to giants, is a signal of lust and well, I really would much rather not bother with the uh... "details".  
---------  
  
The first class of the day for the Slytherins was Care of Magical Creatures on the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and Draco Malfoy couldn't help but feel a sinking feeling of dread. It was the first day of his new life without Hermione, and his fist few hours of the day would be spent... with Hermione.   
He sighed, and let his arms carrying his book bag sag a little. He walked to Hagrid's hut alone. When he reached the gathering of students in front of Hagrid's Hut he stood in his usual spot with the rest of his Serpent housed friends.  
  
Normally the center of attention, his fellow Slytherins were quite surprised when he said nothing but kept glancing shiftily around as the small groups of people continued to come in. And there she was, walking with Potter and Weasley as always. A giggling Pansy Parkinson came bouncing up when she too had noticed their arrival.   
"Ooh! Look Draco, Potty, Weasel and the Mudblood!"  
He didn't even look up,   
"Oh yeah, clever Pansy"   
"Yo! Malfoy!"   
It was Crabbe waving his hand high in the air, trying to act... "cool". He kept waving his arm even as Malfoy had acknowledged his presence as if he wasn't sure Malfoy could see him or not, and to just to make sure, he continued to wave his hand around like a loon.  
  
Apparently he and Goyle seemed to think a change of outfit would make everything better between them and Malfoy. Crabbe was in a shadow of a giant purple pimp hat, and big dark sunglasses. Goyle was wearing a fake mustache that curled up on the ends. Malfoy gave them his worst ever death stare, and slowly pulled out his wand. The smile fell off Crabbe's faster than he could even comprehend what Malfoy pulling out his wand could mean.  
  
"Come on Goyle, let's go over there" He looked hastily at Malfoy then pulled Goyle away. With a look of satisfaction and a good laugh, Malfoy followed the rest of the students into the Forbidden Forest to start class.  
  
All together it wasn't that bad a lesson, not that he learned anything, but he managed to avoid looking at Hermione too much, jinx Goyle when no one was looking, and even toss an angry glare at Hagrid when he announced that they would be revisiting the Flobberworm unit. He had not the energy today to even attempt any snide remarks; in fact all energy he had went towards forcing down his tears. Oh just imagine if that should happen...   
'the fearless Draco Malfoy break down and cry?'  
He chuckled to himself, Oh no, we can't have that now can we...   
The source of his emotional roller coaster was even more repulsive than the idea of him crying, If only they knew.   
'Draco Malfoy in love with a Mudblood? Oh lord! What is this world coming to?'   
He had a clear mental picture in his head of all the terrified Hogwarts students running around screaming and pulling at the roots of their hair.   
He laughed.   
Then he realized that he wasn't the only one laughing, at that precise moment the rest of the class followed him in his silent laughter. Panic struck immediately before he could even think about a rationable explanation for the rest of the class laughing at the joke inside his head.   
'Fuck no! I couldn't have said that out loud! What else have I stupidly blurted out?'  
He looked around wildly and much to his relief he found the cause of his classmates laughter.   
It appeared as if a Flobberworm (Most likely Parvati's from the unfortunate thing that had happened to her) had been carelessly overfed and popped if you will, sending slimy, smelly, purple goo in all directions. Meanwhile poor Parvati was retching followed closely by vomit as she had received a mouthful of "Flobbr-Goo."   
The laughter quickly died and was replaced by a wave of "EEW!" as Parvati proceeded to vomit all over.   
"Er... class... dismissed" came Hagrid's booming voice from amongst the gagging.   
The class needless to say was quite happy to leave the scene. Malfoy even momentarily forgot about Hermione.   
(Sigh) But the moment Malfoy started to feel his heart lift, like he could almost be happy again...   
There she is! But what's this? He squinted at her chest (chest...not cleavage, although he probably wouldn't mind taking a quick peek at that too) she was wearing a necklace; a simple silver chained necklace...  
He looked closer. Hanging loosely on the chain was-  
  
A ring!  
...His ring.  
  
-------   
  
"Oh shove off Malfoy, get one of your cheep Slytherin bitches and stare at their breasts instead!"  
"Ron!"   
Malfoy just tossed a deathly glare at Ron and stalked off, muttering to himself.   
"Well Hermione..." He lowered his voice "He was looking at your, well your dirty pillows!"  
She smiled.   
"Oh Ron, it's not like I haven't caught you looking at my breasts more times than I can count"  
At this he smiled too and put his arm around her waist. He pulled her close to him. Then he kissed her neck and said in a low voice, so that only she could hear him (through a fit of giggles).   
"But I'm allowed to, I'm your boyfriend!"  
Suddenly, Hermione dropped her smile. She couldn't help it she stiffened. Ron let out a sigh as if the worst had come, but he almost seemed prepared, like he had rehearsed the night before. He looked back and mouthed something to Harry who nodded turned on his heel and went the other direction.  
  
'Sigh My god...Boys! Could they have possibly made it more obvious?'  
"Hermione, could I talk to you"  
She crossed her arms and made a loud annoyed sigh.   
"Sure"   
"Umm... Alone?"  
"Ron, we are alone."  
He looked around,   
"Oh, yeah how about over here"   
he led her over to a patch of trees on the edge of the Forest. However in truth, Ron and Hermione's conversation would have been more private had they stayed in the middle of the lawn, but we wouldn't want to move Ron's cheese now would we?  
  
----------   
  
Oh yes, the tree appeared empty, but by now we know better, however it was quite a nasty shock when a chirpy little sparrow attempted to land an a particularly long branch and collided with something alive! But we care not of the difficulty that the birds experienced with that particular tree.   
  
"Yes Cloaky... I see them coming... shhh! They will hear you."  
"Listen Hermione, what is going on with you?"  
Lavender gasped. "It IS my snugglebee! And that Hanky-panky-hoe Granger!"   
Ron and Hermione kept walking though farther away from the trees and out of earshot.   
"No matter Cloaky, I can read lips!"   
Silence.  
"Yes I can!"   
More silence.   
"Silence! I do not need your silly questions!"   
Still more silence.   
"Now you're just wasting my time, time that I could be using to read lips,"   
Though reading lips was hardly necessary as Ron kept dragging Hermione back to the spot near the trees. ("Stop acting like everything is okay Hermione because it's not!)   
  
However Lavender either could not (doubtful) or refused to listen and insisted on using her "lip reading talents".   
"Oh Cloaky!" she said in an excited, hushed voice; "My Ronnie-Poo is telling that no-good-muggle that he loves me! How faithful of him! Wait there is still more..."  
"Ron if there was anything seriously wrong I'd tell you, aright there is no need to worry."  
"She says she can't spell the word 'hippopotamus!'"  
"There is something going on between you and Malfoy! What are you keeping from me?"   
("He says the Greek Gods will protect us, but only after he washes their underwear...") There was a pause, then Hermione answered somewhat convincingly, "There is nothing going on-"  
("She says 'I am a stupid Mudblood who will soon die.'")  
"Where did you get that ring?"   
("He says 'sometimes it falls out'")  
"It was my mothers"  
("She says 'Oh no! I hope my tragic death does not involve a gum wrapper, a screw, a knife, a used tissue and a cheese grater!'")   
"OK, OK I'm sorry, it's just the way you make me feel...I feel wanted, appreciated, loved. I'm sorry Hermione if I'm jealous, It's just I can only imagine how horrible it would be without you. I've never, ever loved anything as much as I love you."   
There was a long pause, both on Lavender's and Hermione's end, it was certain however that Ron's words were clearly heard by both of them, and neither could find an appropriate way to react.   
  
Finally Hermione broke the silence.   
"I love you too," she said quietly, "Come on, let's get back to the Castle."   
And with that hand in hand, they walked back to the castle together. When Lavender came out of shock she war furious.   
"Did you hear what the slut said Cloaky? She seduced my poor innocent Ronsickle!"   
The usual silence.   
"You're right Cloaky! I need my revenge now! I'm gonna' get her, I know what I'm gonna' do... it's time for and aerial assault!"   
...  
"I can too fly!"   
...   
"Oh yeah? Then how did I get into the tree? Honestly what has gotten into you? You seem to be in a bad mood today."  
...   
"OK, we'll talk later, now my business is with Granger!"   
She spread her arms out and stood up shakily on the branch.   
"Time to Thunderize!"   
With that she let out a great war cry and dove off the branch...   
THUD!   
"Curses! You may have won this time gravity, but you just wait..."  
With the little strength that she had left, Lavender Brown shook her fist angrily at the sky, just before the invisibility cloak fell from the branch above and landed on her head.  
--------  
  
Dumbledore paced his office impatiently, again. God! Why was everything happening to him?   
First a student dies, then Madame Pomfrey feeds a sick student shaving cream, and she kept insisting upon acting all 'possessed' and only saying:   
"Yes Professor", "No Professor", "Lavender Brown is dead", and "Shut up Cloaky I'm trying to-oops."   
And do you have any idea how difficult it is to arrange a funeral while having to work around a possessed person's schedule? He slammed his fist on the desk, why was she being so damn difficult?   
  
Not only that, he had not received his letter from Tom, and Fawkes was still giving him the cold shoulder. He turned to the window only to see a small gray owl flying towards him. If it was another owl from the ministry asking him for the answers to life's questions, he was going to lose it. They were always in his case about something. But to his joy and immense relief, when he opened the note the owl was carrying and immediately recognized Tom Riddle's righting:  
  
My Dearest Albus,  
I was overjoyed when I received your reply, I was almost afraid you would say no to my proposal! I am indeed sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, as I have been dodging the ministry's Aurors that you sent on me (you old fool!). My health is getting better, you know I no longer have to drink snake's milk which is pretty good as snake milk isn't that great tasting. I've also killed a few of my death eaters, keeping you in mind I only killed two, see? I can be compassionate! Well enough about me, how it the great headmaster of Hogwarts doing? You wouldn't be perchance having a public gathering in which Harry Potter might be vulnerable? Well I really must be going now, looking forward to your next letter, Yours Fondly,   
Lord Voldemort  
  
Dumbledore ran over to his couch and collapsed on it, clutching Tom's Letter to his heart. Tom was such a great friend!   
"Who needs that stupid Pheonix when I have my pal Voldemort on my side?"   
He said to himself. But there was a soft Pat of something light being dropped on the carpet floor. He turned around to see Fawkes standing in the doorway; he had dropped what Dumbledore would later find to be an apology letter on the floor. A single tear rolled down Fawke's feathery face. As suddenly as he arrived Fawkes drooped his head and flew away down the corridor. -----------  
  
A/N: I am very disappointed in all of you who have not given me reviews, you know who you are... Well I'm not as happy with this one as with the last one but the NEXT one will finally get some action, I PROMISE to squeeze in Lavender's Funeral in "La Chapter 4 de La Mort" But it may be a little long, just warning ya'. Well get with the reviews and maybe I'll update sooner...  
  
We'll see. 


	4. La Chapter 4 De La Mort

After Ron had given Harry the signal that he needed to talk to Hermione alone, Harry very discreetly walked instead towards the Greenhouses. He might as well wait for Ginny after all, he conjured up some flowers and to his surprise saw that hey was not the only one waiting for someone in Herbology.

"Hey Neville, waiting for someone?"

Neville jump and looked around. Only when he saw Harry smiling at him did he relax.

"Yeah, sort of" he mumbled.

"I haven't seen you much in the Common room lately, what have you been up to?"

"Umm, well I haven't-er-been-er-I was taking, taking extra Herbology lessons." He stammered but seemed satisfied that his excuse had sounded so "convincing".

"Right," said Harry completely unconvinced. But just then the doors to Greenhouse three opened passing a large group of tired muddy students through its frame.

"Ginny!" Harry said at once when he spotted her red hair in the crowd. He fought his way through to her through the crowd and handed her the flowers.

"Harry! They're beautiful! What are you doing here?"

"Well I got out of class early and I figured I'd come see you."

"That was so considerate of you-"

"Ginny?" Came a dreamy voice. "Ginny are you going to come with me to lunch? I was thinking that maybe we could eat then take a stroll on the edge of that lovely forest."

"Well actually Luna, Harry and I haven't had much time to talk lately and I think-"

"Sure Luna we'd love to meet you there."

"Harry!" Ginny's face was as read as her hair.

"Well," Luna's soft voice seemed to temporarily make Ginny forget her anger. "I'd very much enjoy your company, so I shall meet you there then."

"Where?" Ginny said a little to forcefully then what she had intended.

"Why at the edge of the Forbidden Forrest" She said simply and walk off, her blonde hair flowing behind her... she was truly an angel, if only Harry could run his hands through her beautiful, soft blonde hai-

"HARRY!" Ginny practically screamed, making no effort to keep her voice down.

"Now what is wrong? You know Ginny, I'm getting I'm sorry but I'm getting really tired of this pre-Madonna act-"

_SMACK!_

"Hey! What the hell was that for? I brought you flowers!" Harry yelled while rubbing the back of his head.

Ginny narrowed her eyes in anger and said in a voice so low and yet so full of rage that every word she said shook with anger, "If you want to go to lunch with Loony Lovegood, you go, alone."

And with that she stormed off towards the castle.

"Ginny," Harry said in a whiny voice. Ginny simply kept walking holding her middle finger up over her shoulder.

-----------

After Fawkes left Dumbledore in his room, he flew to Hedwig who welcomed him with open wings, and a carton of chocolate ice cream.

Dumbledore however simply rolled his eyes wrote Tom a Quick note:

_Thanks for the letter, can't talk now, I am organizing a big public funeral set to take place tomorrow at noon. Yes Harry Potter will be very vulnerable at this event why do you ask?_

_-Alby_

_----------_

Hermione who had become accustom to skipping class by now (bad girl), had taken Ron up to her dormitory (though it was difficult considering she had to carry him on her back so the stairs wouldn't collapse). From, there they proceeded to do some naughty, naughty things until the lunch bell rang and poor, poor Parvati who had already puked previously that day found yet another cause for vomiting rolling around naked on HER bed!

----------

Crabbe and Goyle finally got the message that they weren't wanted, so they both agreed it was time for another look. This time they went "goth". Crabbe decided to wear a big black girls T-shirt (but he didn't know that) that said "Miss Unda'stood" on it, black baggy jeans, along with a bar through his nose, complete with the typical black eyeliner, EVERYWHERE on his face. Goyle had a black shirt with the 'Paul Frank' style skull and crossbones that was too small for him and revealed his midriff, his piercing consisted of a belly ring with a cherry dangling from it. He had no pants on. While strutting around the Great Hall, McGonagall asked them 'What in Murlin's beard did they two dung-eating idiots thought they were doing!?' Crabbe, stunned by McGonagall's sudden outburst stuttered something about "expressing themselves" before McGonagall cast a silencing charm on him and gave the two a weeks worth of detentions.

------------

After Harry found Ginny, Neville sneaked away through the crowed of students into the Greenhouse. He looked around and when he didn't see his "tutor" he walked out of the open back door into a garden of strange plants. To his horror he found Professor Snape and Professor Sprout jamming their tongues down each other's throats. Poor Neville just stood there dumbstruck, until Professor Snape saw him out of the corner of his eye.

"LONGBOTTOM!!! GET OUT FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFINDOR!!"

Despite all the yelling, Neville wasn't even looking at Snape, he had his eyes locked on Professor Sprout. A single tear fell from his eye and he turned on his heel and ran without saying a word.

"Neville wait! You don't understand-" Began Professor Sprout, but Neville was long gone by then. Snape looked at her. "What was that all about? 'You don't understand?' What is going on here?"

"Nothing, it's just... I promised him an extra lesson today and...er... you know how emotion students can get? Especially when death is in the air."

"Oh, yes... now where were we?" He gave Sprout a lusty smile.

"Actually Severus, maybe you should just get your ingredients and go, I have a lot of work to do as it is" Snape looked slightly hurt, but straitened himself and turned to go, pecking Professor Sprout on the cheek as an afterthought.

"Oh Neville, I didn't mean for you to get hurt..."

------------

Harry, despite the fight between Ginny, had chosen to meet Luna anyway, after all he could see the harm (cough idiot cough). He ended up having the time of his life with Luna, once she ran out of weird jokes to tell (most Harry didn't get) she turned the conversation a little more personal. They walked and talked (hey that rhymes!) for the whole lunch hour, they even went a little ways into the forest. Harry had never really liked the forest much, considering he'd almost been killed there more than once, but when Luna kept pointing out certain trees and birds, it seemed to be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen (apart from Luna herself). They talked about death, their parents, and things that made them laugh. For the first time ever Harry found someone who understood him, he could tell her anything! She was so understanding, and sweet... once you got past the weirdness.

Who needs Ginny?

-----------

Ginny seemed to be thinking somewhere along those lines because the first thing she did when she got back to the castle, was go pee, (but that's not really relevant) and tried to seduce the first boy she came upon who happened to be...

None other than Draco Malfoy. He tried to refuse but that cute little red head was hard to turn down. In the end, he pushed her gently back and whispered in her ear...

"Meet me in the room of requirement next full moon." And left.

Now Ginny didn't know when the hell the next full moon was supposed to be and she didn't even know why the moon being full was relevant but she hoped to god it didn't have anything to do with a werewolf.

-----------

Meanwhile in the Muggle World, a tape was circulating...

An eeeeeeeeevil tape...

Made by an eeeeeeeevil little girl. You know the one I'm talking about, you know 7 days till you die unless you copy the tape and give it to someone else. Well this video pretty much old news by now, but for a while, whenever people would receive random video's in the mail from people who didn't like them they watched it! Until pretty much everyone caught on and just stopped watching them (The Dursleys received about eight a week, and it took a lot of therapy to keep Dudley from watching them). But beware... the senders have gotten smarter, they no longer just send video tapes...

NOW they are also hidden on select AOL sample CDs. You have to be alert. And whatever you do...

DO NOT WATCHED RANDOM UNMARKED VIDEO TAPES/VIDEO TAPES THAT ARE MARKED "7 DAYS AFTER WATHCING THIS YOU WILL MOST LIKELY DIE," OR "PLEASE WATCH ME," OR "LOT'S OF FREE PORN ON THIS TAPE" AND DO NOT STICK AOL SAMPLE CDs IN YOUR COMPUTER!!!!

YE BE WARNED insert skull and crossbones here

Oh, and if you HAVE watched this movie and received a phone call in which the caller said "seven days" seven days ago, my deepest regrets, I dedicate this fanfic to you, enjoy it and leave a review before the eeeeeeeeeevil little girl comes to disfigure your face.

Once again, so sorry (better you than me though!).

---------------

Badda-Boom-Badda-Bing here we are, the day of the "late" Lavender Brown's funeral. All of the students are getting seated in the black fold-up chairs outside the castle, waiting for the Ceremony to begin. Our dearest Ron was sitting in the front row reserved for "Those who knew her best" as the sign said. Apart from Parvati, who apparently was still fused about the night before as she kept tossing nasty looks at Ron, he was the only one in the row. Earlier that week, the Brown Family had sent an owl stating that they "sadly" could not make is as weather was terrible. It was a pleasant 84 degree day out side, but everyone seemed to accept the excuse as the Browns were probably taking Lavender's death very hard ("ding, dong, the witch is dead!" cried Mrs. Brown when she heard the news...all part of the grieving stage I suppose). At long last everyone had filled in the seats except for the ones in the front row those were still empty. Professor McGonnagal was playing some forlorn tune on a giant pipe organ, but quieted as Dumbledore approached a tall podium set up in front of all the chairs.

When the murmur of voices slowly died down Dumbledore began his long emotional speech. Four minutes in the whole audience was lost hearing only the occasional sob and "finals will be cancelled as one of our sweetest stud-" until his vocal inflexion slowed signaling the end of the speech.

"Now, as tradition at Hogwarts when the occasional students die, the ones present who knew them best," his eyes fell on Ron and Parvati "to carry the casket into the grave, and assist the grave diggers in burring the body... Mr. Weasley? Miss. Patil? Oh, I almost forgot, without magic."

"WHAT!?!" Ron and Parvati had both leapt up from their seats. "Professor, there are only two of us! You can't expect us to carry the body all by ourselves" whimpered Parvati.

"Oh, do not fret you two, you will not have to touch the body...you will carry the body in the casket, speaking of which, I think we should put an unbreakable spell on the casket so no one is to..." He looked into the casket and paused. "Er... Poppy?" He looked up at Madame Pomfrey who seemed to have forgotten her name as she just stared strait forward. This was too much for Dumbledore, he could not contain his rage, and he seized her around the arms and proceeded to shake her violently until her eyes started to bulge. The students just stared blankly having just come out of their trances and or naps to see their headmaster manhandling their nurse.

"WHAT DID U DO WITH THE BODY YOU SICK FUCK, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FAT ASS IF YOU-"

"ALBUS CONTAIN YOURSELF!"

"I'M GONING TO GET YOU! YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!"

Silence followed the last comment as everyone was staring open mouthed at Dean Thomas who in the excitement had leaped up and exclaimed ...(well you know what he said).

"Sorry," he grunted, "sorry, please continue." He said sitting down, with his face turning red with embarrassment. Just as Dumbledore was about to resume strangling the school nurse as he had attempted to do before Dean's outburst when suddenly Madame Pomfrey cried out, "SHE'S NOT DEAD!" Dumbledore looked at her in astonishment; his hands still clamped around her neck.

"What?"

"Lavender Brown is not dead, she's been possessing me the last few days!" Squeaked Madame Pomfrey.

Dumbledore stepped back and let out a great gasp of horror, the audience followed his lead, a few adding comments like "Oh lordy!" or "Jumping jillyknickers!" (Dean kept his mouth shut as a precaution).

"Oh my goodness! Come with me Poppy, we need to discuss this. To my office. Everyone! Stay calm, and talk amongst yourselves."

The students nodded. Just moments after Dumbledore left there was a great cloud of black smoke that exploded from the podium, followed by a lot of coughing and gagging, and swearing, then as the smoke began to clear, there was a high pitched cold laughed. Standing before the students, was none other than Lord Voldemort...

...To be continued...

-------

A/N: did u like that "to be continued" bit? I think it makes it seem a bit more dramatic hee hee. Well what did u think of this chapter? I thought it was really funny, but then again, I have an odd sense of humor so TELL ME WHAT U THINK!!! ...and by the way, not to nag or anything as I LOVE my reviews, if it wouldn't be so much to ask that when reviewing to umm... please be specific about what u liked, oh, and some ideas might be nice! ...Not that I need any. I am "chalk full of them" ...(but it'd still be nice)... thanx!

p.s. do ya'll like my reference to 'The Ring?" (lol)


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